


By Your Hand

by dovingbird



Series: A Sinful Self-Discovery [6]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Choking, Crying During Sex, Disobedience, Dom/sub, Domdrop, F/M, Miscommunication, Paddling, Painplay, Punishment, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 22:29:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13961409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dovingbird/pseuds/dovingbird
Summary: A filled commission. As Suzy, Arin, Danny, and Brian struggle to figure out how they fit into each other's lives, Suzy comes to realize that she misses the energy of the few scenes she's had with Brian. Her willingness to give herself up to him without a fight frightens her. What would happen if she made him fight for her submission - without consulting him beforehand?





	By Your Hand

_"Slower."_

Suzy twisted in the sheets, panting, eyes squeezed shut as she rubbed her clit. Two fingers pounded inside of her, hard enough that her toes were already curling.

_"Why?"_

_"Because I said so."_

It was easy to remember the exact crisp tone of Brian’s voice delivering that command to her in the storage room. The roughness of the boxes against her back. The way her legs shook as she pressed the vibrator through her panties.

“Fuck,” she whispered, bucking her hips against her hand.

_"What if I don't?"_

_"I'm rather curious what'll happen if I spank you hard enough that every person in the office hears you cry out."_

His eyes, so sharp, staring into her goddamn soul. As if he could see how much she wanted to resist him. Her thighs shook as she worked at herself; her folds twitched around her.

_"Good girl..."_

She sucked in a ragged gasp, her orgasm taking her by surprise, and she gave a weak, plaintive cry as she arched her back, thinking of nothing but Brian’s shrewd gaze – and how long it had been since she’d seen it.

She collapsed against the sheets and tried to catch her breath, resting her slick hands on either side of her as she came back down from the high. She was alone. Arin and Danny were on a date. Brian was at a physics convention for the weekend.

Silence.

“Fuck...” Suzy sat up and went to rub her face, then froze with her hands still an inch away. “God, shit.” Change of plans. She crawled out of bed and went to wash her hands – then, considering how she’d be sleeping alone that night, she washed her face and brushed her teeth too. Might as well get ready for bed, if she was on no one’s schedule but her own.

By the time she sank back into the sheets, her thighs were still aching and her face was flushed. Her fingers buzzed all the ways to the tips. She hadn’t had such a brilliant orgasm just from masturbating in years.

She’d be a fool if she acted like she didn’t know why.

Things with the boys were...different now. Still no title for Danny or Brian from her, of course – and that was how she liked it. It made more sense that way, not feeling any expectations settled on her shoulders. But the entire relationship was softer. Easier. They all sank into each other like lovers – all four of them.

Most days, she liked it. On a night like tonight, however, she had to admit that she...missed Brian, in that way. She missed the thrill of him holding her down as he teased her tits with his tongue. She missed him telling her exactly how to get off in that storage room, cool as a cucumber like she barely affected him at all.

_But why? Why would I miss that?_

She lay back on the bed and cuddled into the blankets, wrapping them around her like a snug cocoon. She needed time and a safe place to reflect, and this seemed as good as any. This was where all four of them had tumbled into each other’s arms time and time again. Though she’d never had Brian here alone, the primal way he’d fucked her that first time, like he wanted to brand himself on her skin, was impossible to forget. And she craved it again.

_What would it feel like if he tied me up while he fucked me?_

Suzy sucked on her bottom lip and let the mental images roll. He was an experienced man – an experienced Dom at that. There were dozens of kinks he could introduce her to. Hundreds of different ways he could fuck her. A new exploration, every bit of it.

But Suzy had always been the one in control with Arin. She’d been the one to show Danny how it felt to be pegged. Even in her entanglements with Brian, she’d held his face against her pussy and made demands and had expected them to be followed.

And yet here she was, imagining what it would be like for Brian to take every ounce of control away.

She was a feminist. She was a symbol of being strong and having her way and making a life for herself. She made a career outside of her husband and refused to be known as just Arin’s Wife. And yet she wanted this exploration with Brian. She wanted a man to take control of her, even if just for an hour.

And that made her uneasy.

It shouldn’t be that simple for him. She’d never made anything easy in her damn life. Arin had tried to set her up with a friend, and she’d won Arin instead of doing precisely what he wanted. She was the one who pursued her modeling against all odds, even when people told her it wasn’t worth the time. She’d fought to differentiate herself from her twin – to establish such a solid personality that no one could even think to get them mixed up. She’d worked hard every single day of her damn life to win recognition and to have the things she dreamed of.

So why the hell would she think about yielding to Brian without a second thought?

_I won’t._

So she wanted something kinky – a scene, she thought Brian had called it in the past. Okay. Fine. But they’d have it on her terms. If Brian was going to dominate her, he was going to work damn hard for it. It wasn’t going to be handed to him on a silver platter. Maybe Suzy would even dominate _him_ – wouldn’t _that_ be interesting?

She took deep breaths, trying to send herself to sleep, ignoring the tight knot in the base of her gut. Tomorrow, Brian would be back from his convention. He’d get a day to breathe – and then Suzy would drop the proposal for a scene on his head. And he could take it or leave it.

 

~~

 

The next night, Suzy settled into the living room and kept her eyes on the door. Arin was working on something upstairs, she knew that much; she wouldn’t be disturbed.

She called Brian’s cell phone and waited.

After a few seconds, his tired voice answered. “Hello?”

“Hey Bri, what’s up?”

“Suzy.” His tone evened out. Sweet. Warm. Just as it had been for weeks now. “Hey. I missed you.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “I missed you too. How was the conference?”

“Oh, fine, fine. I’m just too old for that shit now. Physicists party harder than any other damn person in STEM, Jesus fucking Christ.”

She chuckled. “Didn’t bring out the Ninja Brian outfit for the afterparty? Doesn’t he enjoy parties?”

“I might have literally murdered someone if I did that. Let’s keep the death to the backstory, shall we?”

“Fair enough.”

“As much as I love hearing from you, I don’t typically get that pleasure unless you want something,” he drawled. “What’s on your mind?’

It was true. They saw each other enough – at work, on dates, at each other’s homes – that the only times she really called him were for scheduling issues with NSP or making sure he was still coming in at a certain time to set up a livestream. It almost made her feel bad to come out and ask, but… _You’re in control of this, remember? That’s what you wanted. So just take it._

“Suzy?” Brian’s voice was full of concern.

“I was just wondering if maybe you missed how things used to be with us.” That was a clumsy way to word it, and she hurried to clarify. “Like, when things were...kinky and stuff. If...if you...” Suzy huffed. “Listen, I’m asking if you wanna do a scene with me sometime soon.”

Brian burst out laughing. “Thank God. I thought I’d done something wrong. Jesus, Suzy.”

“Sorry.” She sighed. “I’m maybe not very good at asking for this yet.”

“It’s okay, it’s fine.” Brian took a deep breath. “Heart attack averted, all is well.”

She looked at her painted toenails, wrapping her arm around her knees. How did he make this seem so easy when he initiated things, but she was still so clumsy about it? What was it going to take to make her feel more sure of herself?

“Did you have something in mind?”

_Not that I can talk about now without you being prepared for what’s coming._ “Not really.”

“Let me think...” Brian hummed, and she heard the faint creaking of his mattress. She imagined him stretching out, his gray hair striking against the dark pillowcase and his eyes shining brilliantly. His handsomeness – more aquiline than traditional – always caught her by surprise, even in her mind’s eye, but he still made her heart skip a beat. “If I remember right, you and me played with a little bit of exhibitionism last time around, didn’t we?”

“Did you forget already?” she teased. “Thought I left an impression. Here you had to really _work_ to remember it, didn’t you?”

“Well, maybe you can remind me.” Brian fired back without hesitation. Still confident. Still in control. “Let’s say...maybe something subtle in public?”

“Where people can see us?”

“It won’t be explicitly kinky. Nothing that would make anyone uncomfortable. We wouldn’t have their consent, of course.”

“Of course,” Suzy said slowly, trying to catch up to exactly what he had in mind.

“Just a few simple rules I’d need you to follow until we transitioned to my apartment. Just a few things that only we would know about. That if you obeyed, you’d get rewarded for, and if you didn’t...”

Her chest ached. Did he already know what she was planning?

“...well. You’d see.”

Even with her nerves, she couldn’t deny the rush of excitement through her blood. The quiet part of her, so desperate to obey so she could feel his firm hands petting over her body and low praise whispered in her ear, was quickly squashed by the more brash and loud side – the one that insisted on making him work for everything. “What rules are you thinking about?”

“Oh, nothing complicated.” His voice was airy and distant, as if she didn’t know that he already had everything planned out. “Say, you wear exactly what I ask you to, for one. Everything, down to your underwear.”

She wiggled, lips quirking. “And how are you going to find out what underwear I’m wearing?”

Brian chuckled, warm and rough; the texture of his tone tickled over her skin and teased up goosebumps. “I’m sure I can find a way.”

“Mmm, I guess we’ll see, right?”

“Right.” He was smiling – she could hear it in his voice – and she couldn’t resist closing her eyes so she could imagine it a little better. “Rule two: anytime I initiate eye contact with you, you have to maintain it.”

“Like a staring contest?”

“No, you can blink. But you can’t look away. Even if you’re feeling flustered.”

There was something dangerous about Brian’s gaze that had always made her flush. Even before they’d begun messing around, she could distinctly remember catching him watching her across the office, and even after he’d looked away there would be a faint stirring in her gut. She’d chalked it up to nerves and her body not being able to help how it reacted, but now...she liked how it made her feel. Restless and squirming and soaking through her panties.

She’d never told him how much she liked his eyes. Was she that obvious? Or was he that eager to see hers as well?

“Rule three: I pay for anything we pick up while we’re out together.”

“Are you picking out what I get too?”

“No. You can have whatever you want. But you have to let me pay.”

It was a small thing, but she shifted and fiddled with her hair restlessly. She’d only ever let Brian pay for dinner once or twice. Most of the time she preferred to split the bill, or buy her own treats, or cover her cost if they were shopping together. It made her feel less owned. Less obligated to do anything. And though she knew Brian never expected anything from her, it was that little bit of distance that made her feel more in control.

“Suzy, you there?”

“Yeah.” She made herself relax her shoulders. “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.” Brian paused, as if waiting for her to interrupt with any questions, before he went on. “So say we get smoothies together at the strip mall just down the street from my apartment complex. We meet there. We enjoy our drinks. We walk back. And then we can see if you were good for me, hmm?”

_God._ She’d never really been… _bad_ for him, had she? She knew he’d been intimately familiar with domming for years before he ever met her, but though she’d tried to imagine what he must do to people who disobeyed him, she’d never been able to ask. Were there toys he used to punish someone? Did he prefer just to use his hands?

Suzy shivered. She shouldn’t be just as transfixed with the idea of him punishing her, should she? That wasn’t...normal.

“Was that something like what you had in mind?” Brian prompted.

“Yeah. I think it was.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “You need a...a safe word, don’t you?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Beetle.”

“Beetle.” He said the word like he was tasting it, pressing it deep into his brain. At the very least, she knew she could trust him not to forget. “Then how about...tomorrow night? After work?”

“I could leave early. Come home and change into whatever you wanted. Meet you there before rush hour got bad.” The fortunate thing about helping keep everyone on schedule was being able to rearrange things on the fly when they weren’t in a difficult crunch period.

“Perfect. I’ll text you the outfit right when you leave work.”

She rubbed her arms. Tingles exploded right under the surface of her skin. “I’m excited.”

He chuckled. “Me too. You have no idea. It’s pretty late. You heading to bed?”

“Yeah, I think so.” She’d need her rest if she was going to execute this strategy like she wanted to. “I hope you sleep well tonight.”

Brian’s voice softened to that sweet, intimate tone, like they hadn’t just been discussing a scene. “You too.”

Suzy hung up. She took a long moment to steady herself – when she looked at her hands, she realized they were trembling. It was a big thing, setting up a scene under false pretenses. He was prepared for her to be good, wasn’t he? Maybe just to give the tiniest bit of complaint here and there, like she had before until she melted for him. Did people ever do this? Or did they schedule their disobedience, with everyone being aware of what they were up for?

Was she making a mistake?

Before she could talk herself into calling Brian back, she went upstairs to find Arin. He’d just transitioned away from his computer, apparently, moving into the bathroom to brush his teeth, but when Suzy wrapped around him from behind he stopped. “Whoa, hey,” he said with a chuckle as he turned and pressed a kiss to her forehead. When she didn’t pull away, he hugged her back. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine.” She peeked up at him, chin resting on his chest. “I’m gonna go see Brian tomorrow after work.”

“Sweet!” Arin’s open acceptance of whatever the fuck was going on with her and Brian and Danny still took her by surprise sometimes. It was almost like it was _normal_ to him for her to mess around with his boyfriend and...whatever Brian was to him. “Just a date?”

“No.” She let him go finally and followed him into the bathroom, where she sat on the edge of the tub. “We’re gonna do a scene, I think.”

“Ooh!” He shot her a devilish smirk. “Don’t have too much fun. You staying the night with him?”

_If he doesn’t get pissed off at me and kick me out._ “Maybe. We’ll see how late it is when we’re done.” She slouched, elbows on her knees, and stared at the tile. The soft running water from the faucet blanketed the silence, but she still felt the impulse to interrupt it. “How many scenes have you and Brian done?”

Arin wrinkled his brow as he spread toothpaste on his brush. “Not many. One or two.”

“And how is it, when you do it?”

“Kinky. Hot. I don’t know.” He laughed again. “What do you mean? Are you looking for some sexy details?”

“Just...” She didn’t know how to phrase things. Why was she so bad at all of this? How had everybody else figured it out so easily? “You...you play the sub, right?”

“I do.”

“Is it hard for you?”

He gave her a look. “Suze.”

“What?”

“Do you even know the man you’re talking to?” he drawled.

She rolled her eyes.

“It’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s...I don’t know, it’s nice not to have to think or anything. I don’t have to worry about fucking anything up. It’s all in Brian’s hands. He tells me what he wants, and I do it, and everything’s right with the world. I end up leaving his place feeling like I got all my stress worked out, even if we didn’t really do much besides just...rough sex, I guess.”

Suzy nodded. It made sense. Her dominance had surprised Arin in the younger days of their relationship, when they were just a couple of teenagers figuring shit out, but beyond that initial breath of shock he’d bent over backwards for her with barely a word of instruction. Of course he’d do the same for Brian – she’d practically trained him to be like that.

“Why do you ask?”

“It’s not that easy for me, I guess.”

“So you’re the dominant one?”

“No.”

“Do you want to be?”

Silence. This was where she needed a guidebook to tell her how to respond. Though she didn’t exactly fit in an easily identifiable box in any part of her life, she felt the strain to press herself into one right now. Arin made it all sound so easy: doing whatever Brian wanted without question and getting an endorphin high out of it. Why did she feel the instinct to fight?

She took a deep breath and tried to parse her words. “I don’t know, I guess I just don’t wanna give him what he wants that easily. I want there to be a reason why I do it. I want him to make me want it. To make it easier to give in, I guess.”

The water turned off. She sensed him watching her from the corner of her eye.

“So yeah, I think tomorrow I’m just gonna have a little fun with it. Disobey him. See what he does. See if he’s worth making me submit to him.”

“Did you tell him that?”

Suzy forced a laugh. “C’mon, Arin, where would all the fun be if I _told_ him I was gonna disobey him? I’ve gotta keep it exciting for him, right? Keep him on his toes.”

“You’ve played together, what, twice?”

She looked up at him.

Arin watched her closely, brow furrowed, more serious than she’d seen him be in a long time. “He doesn’t know you that well outside of just being your friend, you know that, right?”

“I mean, he’s been able to figure it out pretty well so far.”

“But that doesn’t mean you’re not going to get both of you hurt if you’re not on the same page.”

She sat up straight. “So what am I supposed to do? Just call him and tell him that I’m gonna be an ornery bitch tomorrow? Give him time to think about how he’s gonna punish me that much harder? Seriously, what’s wrong with me wanting to make him work for it? He’s a big boy. He can handle himself.”

“You’re both grown adults. You need to know what you both want out of this before one of you makes a mistake and loses the other person’s trust.”

Could that happen? It was a game. That was all this was. A high stakes game of Brian proving that he was a good Dom who was ready to make her do what he wanted. That he could make her give in to him.

“Just...think about it.” Arin turned back to the sink and lifted the toothbrush. “Talk about it before you do anything. I can almost guarantee that you’ll both have more fun in your scene if you lay everything out ahead of time.”

Almost. But not quite.

Suzy waited just long enough for Arin to see that she wasn’t storming away in a huff, and then she went back into the bedroom and stripped down for bed. They curled up together under the sheets, and while Arin fell asleep, Suzy stared at the wall for an hour and a half before her body finally gave up.

 

~~

 

_”Black skirt, no longer than your knees. Something black on top – long sleeved and lacy with a little bit of cleavage. Solid black tights. Black boots. And under it, something hot pink and lacy. Keep your hair down. I’ll see you in an hour and a half. Text me back and let me know that you read this.”_

The instructions were concise and clear. They weren’t anything that she could mess up, especially given the fact that her wardrobe was made for a goth queen. She took a deep breath, then sent Brian a reply. _”Yes sir, understood.”_

The response was immediate. _”Good girl.”_

_Well, we’ll see._

Within twenty minutes, Suzy inspected herself in front of the mirror. Her bra and panties were a black plaid trimmed with vibrant pink lace, the closest thing she had to his instruction. The skirt was mid-thigh length, and her top showed off the brilliant effect of her push up bra, nearly spilling cleavage over the edge of the low neckline. The lacy sleeves hung in a bell over her fingertips. Her boots, thick and chunky, not only gave her a few extra inches of height, but made her feel colossally powerful.

The thigh high stockings...were black fishnet.

She shut her underwear drawer, hiding the requested pair of tights away, then took a deep breath as she adjusted her hair in the mirror and tried to pretend she didn’t keep looking at her legs.

She was dressed to kill. That much was clear.

She shot Brian a text – _“On my way,”_ – as she walked out the door. With every step she took, she felt the weight of her decision sink down on her shoulders, and a combination of excitement and dread spun in her belly.

She looked at the reply in the car. _”Can’t wait to see you.”_ She let his innocent, unknowing pleasure spread through her. And then she started the car and headed off.

 

~~

 

As Suzy walked into the smoothie shop, she already knew that Brian was there – his car was in the parking lot. She scanned the tables, then spotted him after a few seconds and beamed as she walked over, waving.

He was frowning and staring intently at her legs.

“Hey!” She grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the table. “Ready to get something to drink?”

He opened his mouth, closed it again, then met her eyes. “Suzy-”

“I’m parched. It’s hot outside, isn’t it? These sleeves are gonna kill me.”

Brian made a sound, then looked around as she led him toward the counter. There was something he clearly wanted to say, but there were too many people around – teenagers resting after school, a mom nursing her baby quietly in the corner, and a tired employee already waiting for them. By the time he took a breath, Suzy was parked in front of the employee.

“Can I have a passion fruit? Medium?” She put her purse on the counter, pulling her wallet out. “I can go ahead and pay now.”

“Suzy.” Brian was firmer this time.

“It’s okay, Brian!” She beamed at him and winked. “You can get next time.”

There was nothing he could say against that without making himself look like an asshole, and they both knew it. The smile he gave her might’ve looked convincing to anyone else, but there was a new sharpness in his eyes – like shattered glass reaching for her – that made a shiver run up her spine just before he looked at the cashier. “Let me know when you’re ready for my order.”

The silence as Suzy paid for her drink, then waited for it to be made, was louder somehow than the music playing overhead. The cashier focused on the machine. Brian focused on the cashier. And Suzy focused on the feel of leather under her fingers as she closed her wallet with a snap.

_This is still okay._ She swallowed hard and risked a peek at Brian, but he wasn’t looking back. _This is just a game. It’ll be worth it. Don’t be so nervous._

“Here you go.” The cashier set the drink down in front of her, and Suzy smiled as she opened the straw. “For you, sir?”

“Give me what she’s having. A large.”

Condensation was already licking at the edges of the plastic cup, freezing her hand as she took a long, soothing sip. “I’ll go get us a table,” Suzy said.

Brian didn’t look. Didn’t respond. Nothing.

Once she’d made her way across the room, she sat with her back to the wall and studied Brian’s posture. He looked loose and relaxed, but one of his hands – the one facing her – was curled into a fist. Slowly he slid it inside of his pocket, and she watched him take a deep breath.

No, he was affected by this. No matter how calm he was trying to look, she could read it in the tiniest ways he breathed or how he silently drummed his other fingers on the counter as he waited. And, for the first time, she wondered if maybe she’d missed the subtleties of his reactions to her all along for months now – or if this was the first time he let them show.

There was no way of knowing. But she tucked that little bit of power deep inside of her, using it to soothe away the nerves that still remained.

Once Brian began walking toward her, drink in hand, he finally pinned her with his gaze. It was a hard, solid look – and why wouldn’t it be when she was the only one who could see it? She suddenly regretted positioning herself as the only one who would be able to read his lips. What was he waiting to say to her?

Brian scraped the chair across the floor when he pulled it out, then sat heavily in it with a sigh. “Suzy.” The surprise and firm tone from before had both vanished. Now there was nothing but easy, calm Brian. “You know, initially I thought we’d had a misunderstanding.”

_He wants me to keep eye contact._ She slurped more of her drink, heart fluttering in her chest.

“And I’d be okay with that. I don’t know your entire wardrobe. Maybe you were missing something that I assumed you owned. That would’ve been fine. But-”

She flicked her eyes over his shoulder, and he went quiet again.

There was a pretty girl across the room typing on a laptop, headphones on. Hard at work on an email or an essay, maybe. The girl glanced up, as if sensing the stare, and Suzy flashed her a smile. Eyes widening, the girl froze, and a soft pink blush spread across her cheeks.

In that moment, Brian glanced over his shoulder, and the girl slouched and went back to furiously typing.

“A friend of yours?” Brian asked evenly as he turned his head back.

“Nope. She’s cute, though, isn’t she?”

Silence. Heavy, ragged silence. Impossible to ignore. As Suzy finally looked back at Brian, he was staring at her with narrowed eyes and a furrowed brow, lips parted, like she was a puzzle he couldn’t figure out.

“Do you need to say it?” he finally asked on a whisper. “Your word?”

_Beetle._ She considered it. Everything she’d been setting up for this entire day could be avoided if she backed out now. He’d probably even forget all about it.

She glanced down and studied the shape of his hand. Large, rough, strong. _"I'm rather curious what'll happen if I spank you hard enough that every person in the office hears you cry out."_ His own words to her played again, reverberating in her mind. As he turned his hand over, offering his palm across the table, she took a deep breath and put on a smile. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bri.”

“I see.” Clipped and short.

Suzy stood up and smoothed down her skirt. “C’mon, I’m ready to walk, aren’t you?” She flounced past him, drink in hand, and took one last look at the cute girl she’d seen before. She winked at her, and when the girl smiled back she couldn’t hide her giggle just before she disappeared outside.

She led the way down the sidewalk, leaving Brian far behind, and when she heard the bell over the door sing again she knew he was following her. Seconds later his hand touched the small of her back, dangerously low, and the breath caught in her throat.

“Suzy-”

“Nothing in public, Brian, remember?” She tossed her hair over her shoulder and pulled away, putting an inch or two between them as she walked.

“You’re doing this on purpose.” Brian scoffed. “I thought you might be, but-”

“Nothing. In. Public. Not even a discussion.” While Suzy trusted his ability to keep everything he said veiled enough that no one around them was uncomfortable, she didn’t trust herself. She was still so new at this; with her luck, she’d slip up right in front of someone who would recognize them both.

“Fine.”

And that was it. They walked in silence, her drinking her smoothie, his cup dangling untouched from his fingers. Had she done enough of a number on him that he didn’t even have an appetite anymore? She fought not to think on it – to prepare herself for what lay ahead for the rest of the evening.

She doubted he’d give her much time to ruminate once they were in the thick of it.

He didn’t try to talk to her or touch her again. He was a frozen block of ice, cool enough that she felt it on her skin. For the first time, she had the fear that he might be the one to call the entire evening off – that he’d send her on a shameful walk back to her car with no explanation.

But that would be ridiculous. Arin hadn’t known what he was talking about. Brian was a passionate man, dangerous and all-consuming. If this was what Suzy, someone so similar to him right under the surface, wanted, then obviously he would want the same.

It made sense. It just did.

Once they reached his apartment, Brian unlocked the door, then preceded her inside for the first time. There was a sting at that action – the first moment of him being less of a gentleman – but she followed him in. As he shut and locked the door behind her, she took a deep breath and waited for...something. Anything. Maybe him crushing her against the door and wrapping a hand around her throat until she begged for him to take her.

Instead, Brian moved around her and into the kitchen, and she heard the freezer open and close. When he came back into the living room, he laced his fingers behind his neck and took a deep breath.

He looked...nice. She realized it for the first time that day. He wore a button down shirt – a rarity in and of itself – and a well fitted pair of jeans. His hair was carefully tended to. _Did he do that for me?_

Brian looked at her, flicking his eyes up and down her body, then turned and walked silently to the bedroom. He left her standing there, with no instruction, and when she heard drawers opening and closing she curiously followed.

As she stood in the doorframe, she caught sight of him putting away four silky ties, each one going back into his dresser. She caught sight of the Hitachi laying plugged into the wall, and he removed that too, carefully tending to the cord before he tucked it into the deep drawer of his nightstand. “What are you doing?”

“Putting away the _nice_ things I had out,” Brian drawled. He raked a hand through his short hair, then looked over his shoulder. “Unless you’d like to go ahead and explain yourself right now.” And there it was: the perfectly even, controlled voice she’d been expecting this entire time. “I’ll even be kind and give you five seconds to make your decision. Five.”

_Is he serious right now?_

“Four.”

_Do I have to go ahead and tell him?_

“Three.”

_It’s just part of the game, right?_

“Two.”

_To make him mad so he...comes after me and…_

“One.”

“If you’re gonna be an asshole,” Suzy fired back, lifting her chin proudly, “then I’m gonna just go back home. Whatever.”

As she turned on her heel, he grabbed her wrist and spun her around to face him again. “You know your safeword, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.” She held the eye contact this time, as searing as a torch.

“And your colors. Tell me your color right now.”

Hesitation.

“Suzy-”

“Green.” She took a strengthening breath. “Shouldn’t a good Dom already know that without asking?”

He narrowed his eyes slowly. Calculations went on right behind his gaze. “...green?”

She gave a curt nod and hoped he didn’t see how she gulped.

He tilted his head to the side. “No, you’re not going anywhere until you learn some manners.”

“Like hell I’m not.” She jerked her arm, and he let it go – let her move into the living room with the blood rushing too hard and fast right under her skin. She made it halfway through before she stopped.

Was he not coming after her? She looked, and she saw him right behind her, not making a move to touch her.

“Go on,” he murmured. “Go ahead.”

She had no easy way of knowing if he was going to call her bluff or not. Even this close to him, she couldn’t read his face.

“...that’s what I thought.” He grabbed her elbow and pressed a hand against her back, driving her toward the dining room table. She gasped when he pushed her the last few inches, stumbling forward dangerously in her boots, and she caught herself on the edge. Brian’s hips pressed against her ass a second later. “Keep your hands on the table.”

She tested her luck, lifting one, but he slammed them back down a second later, his chest curved intimately against her back. His breath skittered against her neck. He guided both hands in front of her, one on top of the other, then held her wrists still with one solid grip. Fingers brusquely went to her skirt, and when she wiggled, curious of the boundaries, he pinned her hips to the edge of the table with his own.

“Well.” After he inched her skirt up little by little, Brian touched her ass, his fingers breezing over the edge of her panties. “At least you can follow _one_ of my orders.” He snapped the hem, and that little sting of pain made her suck in a sharp breath. “So this is the game you wanna play, huh?”

Shit, he sounded so ragged against her ear. She fought to keep her voice steady. “Old man like you can’t handle games anymore?”

His breathy laugh sounded more angry than anything. “Oh no, I think we’ll find out exactly what I’m capable of tonight.” His lips tickled her earlobe, and for one aching moment she wanted to collapse against him and beg for him to fuck her right here over the table, every stitch of her clothes still on, until he left marks all over her neck and ear. Until she drooped, weak and satisfied, fucked out and exhausted.

Just as she’d decided to give up on this stupid, foolish, ridiculous game, Brian nipped the shell of her ear, making her cry out in surprised pain, and then he backed away. “Br-”

“Make it easy on yourself and don’t move, Suzy.”

His footsteps went quiet behind her, and she took rapid inventory of her body. Her legs were trembling. Her nails were digging into the table. She’d already started to soak through her panties. “Shit,” she whispered. Just that little surge of power had been enough to leave her flushed from head to toe.

_Give in. Just do it. Just let him have you. Why are you being like this?_

But, under those thoughts, the wariness lingered. It hadn’t even been five minutes since they’d arrived. What would that say about her if she couldn’t see her goal through until the end? If Brian still thought she was easy?

Her subconscious had a few things to say about that, but before the thoughts could manifest, she pushed them away once more. Deep breath. And she stood tall, adjusting her skirt so it fell in a more modest way again.

When Brian appeared, she still stood there in defiance. She got a fantastic view of the paddle he carried.

A genuine paddle. To her, they’d always seemed like a joke in the realm of kink, but here it was, and Brian held it with a certain air of confidence that said he’d used it many times before.

The gleam in his eye told her he was about to use it again.

“All right.” He nodded, then wrapped his hand around the back of her neck. “So now I know for sure that you’re not listening to me, hmm?”

“I don’t know what you-”

“I tell you not to move, and you do exactly that.” He turned her head away from him, facing the table.

Suzy swallowed hard. “You didn’t say it was an order.”

“Everything,” Brian hissed against her ear, the cold paddle pressing against her fishnets, “from here until the end of the night is an order. Do you understand?”

She bit her mouth shut, teeth digging into her sensitive lips.

He squeezed the back of her neck, short nails digging into her skin. “Do. You. Understand.”

She could barely remember her own goddamn name, but she managed a quick nod.

Brian’s mouth touched the sensitive pressure point right behind her ear, his thumb trailing dangerously close to it. For a moment, all he seemed to want to do was breathe her in, his body shaped against her side, but after a few seconds he spoke again. “Color.”

There was already a haze creeping in on her mind. She fought through it. “Green.”

“You’re sure.”

She nodded again, faster.

Brian pushed her forward, and she caught herself on her hands, a blunt sting going through her palms. He pulled her skirt up again, then went to pull her panties down. Instinct made Suzy thrash, and Brian grunted, slamming his weight forward and crushing her flush against the table. His hand was like a vise around the back of her neck, squeezing and squeezing until she realized she was shaking against him.

“Here’s what’s going to happen, Suzy,” he murmured in a sing-song tone. “I’m going to punish you for being such a little shit tonight.”

“Yeah, right.” It was the best she could manage.

“I’m going to paddle you until I’m satisfied that you feel repentant. And, when I’m done, we’ll see if you’re still feeling ornery, hmm?”

Suzy tried to turn her head to glare at him, adrenaline kissing her veins, but he held her firm. It was a slow realization that the insistent presence against her hip was his hardness. “…you get off to this, you son of a bitch?”

The tightening of his grip was her only reply. He stood tall, and this time Suzy stayed still, waiting with bated breath as he knelt to pull her panties down to the floor. He left them around her ankles, and she didn’t bother trying to step out of them.

She felt somehow like she’d pushed the game far enough.

Brian’s fingers caressed the skin of her ass, lighting trails of flame, and she pressed her forehead against the table and licked her lips. “How many strokes do you think you deserve?” Brian asked.

_A billion._ Suzy tried to focus on her thoughts again. “One.”

“One?” Brian laughed. “Someone has a high opinion about herself.”

She clamped her mouth shut, too focused on the trace of his hand drifting closer and closer to her folds.

“You spent all day lulling me into a false sense of security. Imagining that we’d have an intoxicating evening together. Do you know what I had planned, Suzy? How many times I was going to see you come?”

God, she could imagine it right now – could see herself spreading her legs until they hurt and outright begging him for more.

“You’ve begged me to fuck you so many damn times. But we’ve never quite gotten there alone, have we?”

She could _feel_ the stroke of his cock inside of her, when she was balanced so precariously over Danny’s body and taking just as much pleasure in the widening of his eyes than in Brian’s careful movements.

“Tonight, we were going to see exactly how many times I could make you come on my cock. How long I could hold out, feeling how hot and tight you were around me. If you were good, I was going to fucking _worship_ you.”

She turned her head, catching sight of the couch further down the wall – where he’d eaten her out, her vibrator working inside of her – and, as if he sensed her thoughts, he grabbed her neck and forced her to lay flat again.

“But no. You wanted _this_ instead. You wanted to be _bad._ And now look where we’ve ended up.”

The instinct to apologize surfaced, and she opened her mouth, then snapped it shut again. No. She was seeing this through. He was holding her down, his cock pressed against her hip, with the cool material of the paddle starting to run up and down the curve of her ass. It didn’t matter that she didn’t know what was coming – that she had no frame of reference for the entire night.

Shockingly enough, she wanted it. Wanted it even more, now that she was being held at his mercy.

For one moment, that urge terrified her – Suzy, who’d fought for so many goddamn years to get where she wanted to be, this was what she wanted now?

And then, the next second, Brian was backing away, every inch of contact vanishing for one breathless moment before the paddle came down on her.

“Fuck!” She arched, inhaling sharply as she processed the pain. It had been more surprising than agonizing, and she licked her lips, trying to...to focus on the moment.

“Scale of one to ten – ten being the highest – how much did that hurt?”

She zeroed in on Brian’s words, taking a few seconds too long to process them. “I-I...three.”

“Really?” He hummed. “Okay.” Another thwack came down.

“Seven!” Suzy squeaked. She bunched her shoulders around her chin, waiting for the pain to trickle away.

He didn’t let it. Three more blows came down on her other cheek – one right after the other – shocking her speechless before she could assign them any pain levels. When he stopped – when they both were breathing too hard – she was too afraid to try and speak.

Waiting. Both of them, waiting. And then, five points digging into her raw flesh. Nails, she realized as she let out a long, trembling groan. Brian was sinking his nails into her, trying to drag the pain out even longer.

His cock was back, thick beneath the fabric of his jeans, pressing against her thigh. She swore she could feel it twitch when he grabbed a meaty handful of her ass and squeezed.

“Does it hurt?” he whispered.

Suzy nodded. “Yeah.”

“Good.”

His hand crept lower and lower – another long tease, she thought – but then, suddenly, he was running over her swollen labia, just enough to make her come up on her elbows with a gasp. But he didn’t push her back into place. He let her arch further, pressing back toward his hand, as he rubbed along her soft, trimmed hair.

“Apparently doesn’t hurt _that_ badly.” His middle finger ran easily through her slick folds. “You like this, don’t you?”

So close, _so close_ to slipping inside of her. She clenched instinctively, trying to draw him in, barely even realizing that she was panting.

“You _wanted_ me to hurt you. Jesus, Suzy.” Just as quickly, he moved down once more, running over her clitoris, and she felt his cock twitch again. “You’re practically dripping down your thighs, you know that?”

“You’re one to talk,” she snapped. He was going to take his damn time, wasn’t he? Just teasing her up little by little until she felt like she was going to scream. “You always get hard just by paddling someone? Or am I lucky?”

Another blow rained down on her ass, pairing neatly with the roll of his thumb over her clit, and this time she cried out, the sound bleeding into a moan. Something about the pain felt like it was heightening her sensitivity to his touch. Was she crazy? Was this how Arin felt when she’d bite his neck hard enough to bleed when she rode him? It was fucking incredible.

As if she hadn’t spoken at all, Brian went on. “You know, I’m willing to bet that if I smacked your pussy with this paddle, you’d come. I think you’re just enough of a pain slut to do that. And I never even knew.”

_Pain slut._ She’d already struggled to come to positive terms with the word _slut_ – she wanted to drown in fucking Brian and Danny without a commitment, and what else would that make her? – but hearing it in this new circumstance was jarring. Was that what she was? Was there masochism in her she hadn’t even been aware of?

Part of her was desperate for him to do exactly how he threatened. The other part trembled in fear at the mere idea. Maybe she couldn’t handle this. Maybe she couldn’t take it.

His finger sliding inside of her jarred her away from the thoughts, and she focused every bit of attention on the slow drag within. He inched deeper and deeper without any resistance – she was more turned on than she’d even imagined, then – until his knuckles curled against her labia. He began a slow, thrusting rhythm – in as deep as he could go, then slipping out of her – that made her catch her breath and, without even realizing it, start working her hips in tandem. It was a blessing to have something else to zone in on. There was something almost _comforting_ about it, getting so lost in the repetitive sensation that she barely felt the lingering pain.

One more blow. It was a savage one, almost more than she could take, and she squeezed her eyes shut and felt her breathing quiver. Heat filled her face, trickling down her neck and into her chest. A backhanded paddle hit her other cheek just as he pressed a second finger inside of her. On and on it went like that, quiet shocked sounds being brought out of her before they cut off into the warm pleasure of his touch as he shifted, searching, finally running over the sweet spot inside of her.

She held her breath, every muscle in her body rigid, willing him – silently _pleading_ him – not to stop. _Anything_ but stop. And he read her easily, pausing to touch her ass with his other hand while the paddle dangled uselessly against the back of her thigh, slick sounds filling the air as he worked at her.

The realization that she was going to come right here, draped over his table, her ass red and raw, took her by surprise, and she waited for it in breathless anticipation, trembling from holding so still.

“You want me to stop?” Brian growled.

Suzy shook her head, shaping the word _no_ with her mouth and not quite letting it out.

“Too bad.”

His fingers slid free with one protesting sound from her, and then he pressed his wet hand against her back, shoving her flat in one firm move, before he began paddling her again and again and again.

There was no pleasure in this anymore – just the treacherous climb of pain that she could barely handle. It blurred into a cloud of sensation until her backside felt as if it was going numb – until the sounds coming out of her mouth were less words and more one long agonizing cry.

She’d asked for this. All damn night, she’d literally asked for it, and he wasn’t going to let her off easy.

When he finally stopped, he dropped the paddle on the ground, and Suzy fought through blurring eyes and thoughts to understand what was happening. Brian, breathing raggedly, grabbed her wrist and pulled her with him, and she stumbled for a moment before finally stepping out of her panties and leaving them behind. It seemed impossible that her legs would work – that she could still be wearing every other piece of her clothes when she was already so undone – but somehow she got to the bedroom, and when he pushed her on the bed she didn’t move a muscle. The sting of her ass hitting the mattress made the first two tears trickle down her cheeks.

“Safe word.” Brian sounded just as wrecked as her as he opened his nightstand. She heard the familiar sound of a condom emerging from a box. “Use your safeword, Suzy.”

She shook her head, feeling almost panicked that this entire mindset – being so wrapped up in him and focusing on nothing but her pain and his body and his _voice_ – might end.

“Stoplight, then.” The mattress sank down beside her, and a tender hand cupped her cheek – one that smelled so strongly of her own musk that she clenched around nothing again, wanting so desperately to be filled once more.

Suzy shook her head harder and peeked up at him, seeing his blurry form floating near her side. “Green.”

Brian let out the shakiest breath she’d ever heard, and he leaned down, pressing a kiss to her forehead, to each cheek, to the tip of her nose, and finally to her swollen lips. “You’re not going to upset me if you want to stop.”

“Don’t you dare stop,” she barely managed to reply. She wiped fruitlessly at another tear – another one immediately took its place. “Brian, please.”

“Yeah.” Those soft hands went hard again, both grabbing her biceps and shoving her painfully up the bed. When her head hit the pillow, he pushed her thighs upward, then held them there with his chest as he opened his belt and jeans and shoved them down a few inches. “You were bad, weren’t you?”

“Was a fucking bitch.” Embracing that role was easier, somehow, when she was already crying and flayed open before him.

“ _Such_ a bad fucking girl. Did you deserve that paddling?”

“You shouldn’t have stopped.” She reached for his arms, and when he shoved her wrists into the pillow on either side of her head she gasped. “Fuck-”

“You don’t get to touch me yet,” he hissed. There was the faint sound of the condom’s wrapper opening, and seconds later he was dragging the head of his cock through her folds. “Do you deserve this? You deserve me fucking you?”

“No, sir-”

“You deserve my kisses? Any of it?” He ran over her clit over and over again, teasing her, gathering up more and more of her wetness until there wasn’t any resistance.

“No, _no,_ sir...”

“But you want it, don’t you? Just like you wanted that paddling.”

Suzy took a deep breath and forced her eyes to focus on his face. As rigid and sharp as his tone was, his expression was stunned. He looked like he was afraid to break that contact for even a second – that even blinking would be too much. Shellshocked, as if this was his first time with any of this.

Something swelled in her chest. She bit her bottom lip to muffle a sob, then nodded. “I want you so bad, Brian, _please._ ”

He leaned down, making her hamstrings ache as he pressed her thighs against her chest. He cupped her face with one hand, the other guiding his cock to her entrance. “I’ve never wanted you so badly.” He whispered it like it was a confession. And then, as he pressed inside of her, he kissed her, moaning roughly against her lips.

He fucked her brutally, hands squeezing bruises into the back of her thighs as he panted. Growls slipped past his lips, brushing over hers, like he was losing himself in her. Like this entire act was sacrificial and blistering and primal.

Suzy had the sense that she should feel terrified, seeing such an intimate part of him – but she wanted it to go on forever. The visceral nature of it – from the pain in her hips to the pounding rhythm – was enough to center her so vividly on this moment, on being in Brian’s bed and under his control.

Somehow, she was safe here, just like this. She’d earned it, even though she didn’t deserve it.

Brian never exposed himself like this to anyone. He was closed off and controlled, as tempered as steel. No one – not even Danny – cracked through that facade, even though Brian had a way of getting down deep beneath the surface for everyone else.

As she was rocked by his body, sweat breaking over her skin, she sucked in a sharp breath – enough to briefly clear the tears from her eyes – and saw the most open, revealing look that Brian painted over his face. It was breathtaking. Enamoring. Intent as he was, teeth gritted, his eyes spoke a different story, something aching and needy, like if he didn’t bury himself in Suzy like this – absolutely lose himself – he’d explode. Like every second of holding himself together for decades was finally going to take its toll.

How often did he let himself open up like this to Danny? To Arin? Sex was one thing – it could be a performance in and of itself – but something like this? Where he was overflowing and burning like lava? Where he was showing the shattered parts of himself beneath the gilding?

_He trusts me._ The tears began to fall again, a cataclysm of them pouring down her cheeks, until every crush of his hips against hers forced a weak sob from her mouth. _He knows it’s okay to let me see this._

Would he have let himself go so mercilessly if she hadn’t pushed his buttons like she had? Or would he have kept himself perfectly placid, like a lake, regardless of what brewed beneath the surface?

She reached for him, touching the rough stubble on his cheeks, and when he close his eyes he leaned into her, hips stuttering awkwardly. She wanted to coax him down and kiss him until they were completely gone, lost so deeply in each other that they might never find their way out. It was a terrifying feeling; with all of the times she’d wanted to sink into Arin until they were one human being, she’d never quite felt the ache to bring him into her ribcage and hold him there until he was whole and ready to emerge again.

Was this what Arin felt for her in her rougher, more sadistic moments? When she tied him down and rode him until she could barely use her legs anymore? Did he glimpse this same vulnerability in her face?

Every time that they’d gotten a little rough, she’d held Arin close until he could catch his breath and come down from the rush of their actions. She had never thought that maybe, just maybe, Arin had been holding her close until the fear of her own frightening impulses bled from her gaze.

“Brian,” she whispered through her wet breaths, cupping his face in both hands. “It’s okay.”

Just as fast, Brian shoved her hands back into the pillow, then wrapped one thick palm around her neck. He held her there for a moment, grinding against her, his face coming so close that all she could see was his tight jaw and fiery stare. “Did I give you permission to touch me?”

She shook her head, feeling her body open up to him just that little more. She twisted her legs, moving them until she could wrap around his waist, the curve of his stomach pressing against her own.

He touched his forehead to hers. He was a blistering mix of intimate and raging. “I should choke you for that.”

Suzy heard the question on his tone, even if he didn’t right out ask. “Green.” Excitement caught her voice right at the edges, something that took even her by surprise, and when Brian kissed her as if in reward she moaned, parting her lips to welcome his tongue.

She was fascinated every time that Arin fell apart for her when she closed her tiny fingers around his throat. There’d never been a time where he’d done the same for her, but she couldn’t deny the curiosity right under the surface, especially when she could feel the callouses from Brian’s touch catching on her sensitive skin. As he pulled back, digging his teeth into her bottom lip and tugging, her heart pounded so fast that she was already breathing raggedly.

“No, deep breath, Suzy.” Brian thumbed over her wrists in his other hand – a brief glimpse of that softness once more. “Deep breath for me.”

Another time, she might thank him for his coaching. Might even tell him that this was her first time receiving, that she had no idea what she was going to feel. But her mind was far enough gone that she only did what he said without question, taking in such a deep breath that she pushed his chest away an inch or two.

And then his hand began to tighten, and her heartbeat fluttered again.

The first time, he held still, his cock still buried deep inside of her, watching her with a visible fascination that made her cheeks flush. The heat spread down her neck and under his hand as her breath turned into harsh, wheezing sounds that stood out in the silence. Brian tilted his head to the side, gaze falling to her mouth as her lips began to tremble with the increasing difficulty of each gasp.

When her throat closed almost completely, her eyelashes fluttered at the strange tightness in her head, and she heard Brian swear under his breath.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he groaned, and then he released.

The air flooded her brain, lighting every synapse as she arched under him. A strange pleasure raked through every vein – endorphins, she recognized distantly from the research she’d done about Arin’s dilating pupils every time she choked him nearly to unconsciousness. “Ohh...” Suzy squeezed around Brian’s cock, bucking her hips, trying distantly to drag her clit over the edge of his shaft for just a moment.

“You like that?” Brian bit her lip once more, digging in hard enough that she knew it would be swollen all night. “You like it when I choke you, don’t you, Suzy?”

“God, it’s so fucking good...” She could barely speak the words. Language was nearly lost to her. She was a body – one that was spread open and devoured – and any sense of sophistication or labels or masks or identities beyond that fell away.

She was just her, and he was just him, and it was something she’d never known that she needed.

As soon as she took in another deeper breath, his hand squeezed tight once more, but this time his hips began to move, dragging his cock through her folds in long, languid strokes contrary to the brutality of before. He kept a steady rhythm – the consummate musician – that she realized distantly matched four of the frantic pulses pounding beneath his thumb. She could _feel_ her heartbeat through every inch of her. She could feel how he turned the beat of her own body into a flurry of sixteenth-notes, and she wondered if he was even realizing that he was doing it.

He made her music, somehow, even soundless as it was, and she let herself embrace it as the haze crept in through her mind, dark and cloudy at the edges. The release of his grip was almost unwelcome.

Her mind made her gasp for breath, and she squeezed her hands open and shut around nothing as she fixed her gaze on him. “Please, don’t stop,” she begged. She was a mess and she knew it. She’d made his cock so wet that he fucked her without any single bit of discomfort, even with how thick he was. “Just keep me like this, just, just...”

Brian kissed her again, and that close she could feel how frantic his own breathing was. He twitched inside of her, and when she squeezed around him one more time he let out a cry against her mouth before he choked her again. No time to get air this go around. No time to be prepared.

As he picked up the pace, returning to that primal slap of their bodies together, she gave up any last misgivings she had, and she turned her trust completely over to him.

This time, she nearly blacked out. She reached the edge just as he was swearing and fucking into her erratically, and when he let go and she gasped he sank against her, crushing her with his body so she could barely get those instinctive breaths to keep herself conscious.

He’d come, she realized distantly at first, and then with a blooming internal pleasure that made her slowly smile, satisfied.

Brian rolled onto his side and pulled Suzy along with him, keeping themselves connected at the hip. For those first few moments, both of them lost the ability to talk. They drifted together, his hand drawing long paths up and down her spine, as she floated in the bliss of being so close to him.

For someone who wanted to stay casual, that scene opened frightening doors. Suddenly she understood the attachment that people could have for their Doms. She understood how easy it was, when she’d opened herself completely to someone, to feel how simple it would be to let them continue seeing her that way.

Vulnerable.

“Are you all right?”

Brian’s voice broke the silence, and Suzy nuzzled into his chest. “Fine.” Her own voice was wrecked, and she couldn’t help but chuckle. “Jesus, Brian, what did you do to me?”

Silence. His arms tightened around her and he breathed shakily, chin resting on top of her head.

_Something’s wrong._ The part of her still stuck in the scene reacted in a panic – had she done something? – but she dragged herself out bit by bit as she looked up at him, furrowing her brow. “Brian?”

“You mean it? You’re okay?”

“Of course I’m okay.” She ran her hand up his chest and around to cup the back of his neck, squeezing gently. “That was incredible. All of it. It was...something I never even knew I wanted, just...”

Brian pulled away. He reached to take care of the condom, knotting it and setting it in the small garbage can by the edge of the bed, and he pulled his briefs and jeans back up and fastened them. He seemed to be trying to keep distance there, and it was something Suzy didn’t understand.

She sat up and touched his shoulder. “Did I make you mad?”

“What?” He looked at her, frowning.

“I-I wasn’t...up front with you about what I was doing today, and I just...”

“You planned it, didn’t you?” Brian watched her with a focus that demanded her attention – like everything hinged on her response. “When you called to set up the scene, you were already planning on being disobedient, right?”

“Yeah.” Guilt crushed her chest. “I’m sorry, I just...”

“It’s okay.” He turned to face her, crossing his legs one over the other, and took both of her hands in his. “No, it...it makes me feel better, knowing you’d been planning it.”

“Even though I didn’t talk to you?”

Brian’s lips thinned. He stared at their hands. “...well. It would’ve been easier if I’d known. I wouldn’t have been so...scared.”

“Scared?” Suzy scooted closer until their knees touched, connected as closely as she could get them. “You were scared? Really?”

“God, Suzy, I was terrified.” Brian leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and buried his eyes in the back of her hands. “Fucking scared out of my mind.”

“But why?”

“Because I...I was...”

While Suzy had been relaxed and pliant during the entire scene, she realized now that Brian was tense and shaking. He couldn’t even look at her. Alarm rushed through her as she pressed their foreheads together. “Talk to me, Brian.”

“I was too hard on you. I fucked you like you were a goddamn sex toy. I choked you. I spanked you until your ass was bruising. I took everything I wanted, a-and I didn’t...”

Suzy shook her head. “That’s what a Dom does, Brian, that’s what a _scene_ is-”

“No, it’s not.” He stressed the words with a certain vehemence that shook her to the core. Had she been wrong all along? “The scene isn’t about what the _Dom_ wants, Suzy, it’s about the sub. It’s about the boundaries that the sub has and what they want from the entire encounter. I’m here to take power and to make you vulnerable and to give you everything you want, and I’m supposed to achieve that...power high in the bounds of your desires. And did I do that? I didn’t even ask what you wanted. I knew your safeword, and that was it.”

“You _did_ ask me,” she pressed. “You asked me for my color over and over again.”

“But it wasn’t enough. I needed to sit you down before anything and go through what you wanted. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. I barely know your interests or your kinks. I could’ve done something that you hated, and you might’ve felt like you _had_ to tell me that it was okay just so the scene didn’t stop, and I-”

“I never felt that. Not once.”

“But you might’ve.” He sat up and stared at her intently. “It’s my responsibility to make sure, and I didn’t.”

There was something else on the air. A certain self-loathing that she heard in his voice. Something she’d never really experienced before. Brian didn’t have a self-depreciating sense of humor, not like Danny did. He was cool and confident – except for now. “Brian, what aren’t you saying right now?”

Just like that, he wilted. He hung his head and worked through his thoughts, and she would’ve given anything to read them without the fear on his face – to know what they were without forcing him to speak. But something was wrong. And if she’d been able to give him that deep level of trust in his bed, she only hoped that he could do the same for her out of it.

He finally took a deep breath and licked his lips, then pinned his gaze to hers. “I liked it all too much. All of it. I’ve never gotten that hard from paddling someone before. And how you cried? How you begged me to keep fucking you even through the tears? Jesus, Suzy, I almost came right then. It was incredible. Perfect.”

She nodded eagerly, waiting to hear the problem. But nothing else came. “And?”

“Doesn’t that scare you? A man like me, taking that much pleasure in how much I could hurt you?” He squeezed her hands. “I _wanted_ to make you cry. It was my damn goal for the whole thing. And, even when I did, I couldn’t make myself stop. I wanted more. And that’s disgusting.”

“Are you kidding me?” Suzy scrambled forward, crawling into his lap and nearly knocking him over the edge of the bed. She wrapped her limbs around him and clung close, as if she could hug the terror right out of him. “Brian, I mean it when I say I loved every second of it. It was exactly what I needed, even though I didn’t know it. I consented to every little thing you did. And I _know_ you – if I’d hesitated for even one second, you would’ve stopped everything no matter _how_ much you wanted it, right?”

“Of course, but-”

“There’s no buts! There’s nothing wrong with wanting that if I wanted it too, right?”

Silence.

“You made me feel freer than I’ve felt in so long. Do you get that? Do you understand that I’m not lying to make you feel better? You opened me up and scooped out so much shit – more tension than I ever knew was there – and you know what?”

“What?”

“I’ve never felt safer than right then. Because I knew that no matter how much you undid me, you’d put me right back together again. And you did.”

“God...” He whispered the word as he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck.

“Let me put you back together too, okay?”

Brian shivered, taking thick and heavy breaths that almost made her think he might be crying. But no tears touched her skin. No sobs came. He rode the waves of whatever he was feeling with the same grace he always did – except she was here too, and she knew the depths of what he was experiencing.

And he let her see it. He let her feel it. He let her hold him through long, aching minutes, until he drooped and brought her to lay with him on the bed again, their whole bodies still pressed flush against each other.

She could’ve fallen asleep like that, if she wasn’t so focused on petting through his hair and making sure he was solid. She’d never known someone could suddenly feel this weak when they were a Dom. Something told her it wasn’t normal either. Did he always hold himself together at the end of a sadistic scene like that, or was this the first time he’d ever experienced this fear?

_Questions for another day._ She kissed his forehead, and he nuzzled her neck.

As patient as she was to hold him all night, feeling his touch was enough to made her body begin to stir when the minutes ticked by.

_Don’t say anything. Don’t. He doesn’t need you to use him like that._ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to make it as smooth as possible. Brian hummed, his hands dragging down her back, and she wished against wish that she could feel his skin against hers.

It didn’t matter that she hadn’t gotten off, she reasoned with herself. The scene itself was more fulfilling than any orgasm could’ve been. She would rest here with him until he fell asleep, and then if she was still keyed up, she’d disappear into the bathroom and take care of herself with a few quick rubs, and that would be it.

He touched her thigh. He coaxed her leg to wrap around him again here on their sides. The gentle pressure of his hips against hers, even through his jeans and the material of her skirt, made her bite her bottom lip.

“You’re still turned on, aren’t you?”

“Shit.” Suzy squeezed her eyes shut. “You weren’t supposed to notice that.”

“I can feel it.” He sounded like he was smiling, maybe even near laughing. “Your pussy’s baking hot. You realize that?”

“That’s unfair. You turn me on, and then you make fun of me.”

Brian chuckled. “Well, I was going to be polite and get you off, but...”

She clenched fistfuls of his shirt. She shivered. “You don’t owe me, you know that.”

“I’m not saying I owe you anything – though, when you think about it, since you let me fuck you so beautifully...”

“I’m serious. We just had a super hard talk, right? You think I’m going to expect an orgasm after that?”

“No, Suzy, I don’t think you expect anything.” He ground against her, and even though he was still soft the ache against her vulva was enough to make her catch her breath. “But I think I want to give it to you anyway.”

_Why?_ It was on the tip of her tongue to ask, but she refrained, instead pressing a line of kisses over his face. He melted against her, fingers trailing to her hem and inching beneath it. “Brian...”

“It’s only fair,” he whispered. His breath brought goosebumps over her neck just before he latched on, sucking a mark into her skin.

She fought not to feel guilty. He’d just almost cried on her shoulder, and yet here he was, wanting to drag her to that edge? But his fingers were intent. They dragged blazing paths of fire over her stomach as they inched their way higher and higher. Like he wanted it. Wanted her.

Of course he wanted her. Why was she so afraid to realize exactly how deeply it might run?

“I’ve missed playing with your tits,” he confessed, barely giving the words air. “I think about it sometimes, when I jerk myself off.”

Never once had she imagined he might get off to thoughts of her. She was suddenly back in her bed, grinding against her own fingers, remembering that heated experience in the closet at the office. “Yeah?”

“God, yeah.” He flicked his tongue over her earlobe again, quick and fleeting touches that made her squirm against him. “Think about tying you up and sucking on your nipples until you’re begging to come.”

A shuddering moan broke from her lips as she arched. He rolled her onto her back, pressing between her hips again, keeping a slow grinding rhythm that had her aching.

“Have you ever come like that? Just from someone playing with your tits?”

“Yes...” She wouldn’t dream of hiding that from him. Arin had known how sensitive she was for years. When she was particularly heated, he could get her off in less than five minutes just by teasing and tugging her nipples.

Brian groaned against her ear. His hand finally reached the bottom of her bra, and he tugged at it before making his way around to her back. “Think I’ll do that the next time I fuck you. Keep my cock buried in you while I play with your tits. See if you can milk my cock just from how hard I make you come.”

“Brian-” She groaned his name, already too turned on to think. The images he dragged before her mind’s eye, vivid and blinding, had her bucking against him, ignoring the roughness of his denim against her pussy. She’d take the pain. She’d soak through his jeans, if she had to. She didn’t care, not as long as he never stopped touching her.

“But not tonight.”

“Ugh!”

He grinned, feral, wolflike, as he opened her bra, then pushed her shirt up until the cups let her tits hang freely. “I feel like tasting your sweet pussy tonight, Suzy. You’re not gonna tell me _no,_ are you?”

She instinctively reached above her, grabbing hold of the poles of his headboard and clinging so hard that she dug her nails into her palms. He didn’t miss it. He glanced up as he ran his hands over the less sensitive curve of her breasts, his smirk spreading even further. “You want me to tie you up when I do that? When I tease you until you come on my cock?”

“ _Yes,_ Brian.” She breathed the words reverently. She suddenly couldn’t think of anything she wanted more. He’d proven himself trustworthy. He could tie her up all day, for all she cared – she knew eventually he’d let her come back down to earth, and he’d hold her until she reached it.

His thumbs ghosted over the hard peaks of her nipples, and she held her breath and squeezed her eyes shut, focusing silently on those single points of contact. Another rub made her gasp. A third made her arch.

“Look at you,” he whispered. When he finally gave in and worked her nipples between his thumb and forefingers, she whined, feeling her labia throb desperately. “Jesus, Suzy, you love this that much?”

“Feels so good,” she admitted, nearly breaking into a sob again. It had been a long tease since he’d fingered her over his table, and she was ready to come crashing down. “Please?”

“Yeah?” The weight between her legs lessened, shifting until she felt him sprawl out between her thighs, his arms heavy on her torso. He didn’t let up stimulating her – didn’t pause for even a second – and when he blew cool air over her folds, she moaned desperately. “You want my tongue on you, sweetheart?”

She pressed her hips toward his face, and he squeezed her nipples punishingly, pulling them so roughly that a spark of pain shot through her, twisting around the pleasure and squeezing far too tightly. “Brian, if you wanna eat me out at _all_ before I come, you need to start _now._ ” She knew it was rude – too commanding, too assuming – but, to her surprise, he buried his face between her legs and dragged a long lick over her inner labia. “Oh, fuck!”

It had been too long since she’d reached a sensitivity high like this. She ground against his mouth over and over again, letting out a long string of cries that she couldn’t hold back even if she tried. She was flayed open for him all over again, from his busy fingers to his sleek tongue, and she wanted – _needed_ – him to know exactly how perfect he made her feel.

She never wanted to see that fear in his gaze again.

In less than five minutes, she came all over his face, her whole body filled to the brim with endorphins as she thrashed in the sheets restlessly. It was almost impossible to come down. All she wanted was to stay there, head in the clouds, until Brian’s hands and mouth made her cry in pain.

But he didn’t. He climbed her body, leaving kisses all over her skin, until he dipped his tongue into her mouth, making her taste herself. She wrapped her arms around him, overheated in her clothes, and kissed him until she couldn’t breathe, finally – mercifully – nothing but a puddle of tingling Suzy in his bed.

 

~~

 

When she came home the next day, dropping her purse on the table just inside the door, Arin was already in the entryway waiting to meet her. “You okay?” he asked.

Suzy chuckled. “Good to see you too.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him with a hum, then rubbed their noses together. “I’m fine, baby. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just...”

“What had you so worried?”

As he looked at her sheepishly, his arms still around her waist, she remembered the look on his face in the bathroom, when they’d had their discussion. When he’d pushed her to talk to Brian before she did anything stupid. When she hadn’t listened.

_Of course._

She buried her hand in his hair and pet through the strands until he began to relax. “Everything’s okay, Arin. I promise.”

He nodded. “Okay. Okay, I just...was worried that-”

“I know.” She kissed his cheek and sighed. “You were right. I was stupid. But it’s okay. We talked afterward, and...”

“...and?”

“And we’re okay.” It was too intimate to talk about right now. Maybe tomorrow, she could. Maybe in a week. But right now, leaving that experience tucked between just her and Brian, it felt right. “Come on, walk with me.” She took Arin’s hand and guided him behind her to the kitchen. Brian had cooked her breakfast, but she had a sudden regret of refraining from drinking the coffee he’d offered. “How are you?”

“Good. Tired.”

“Yeah?”

“Stayed up worrying about you a little.”

She frowned over her shoulder. “Arin...you could’ve texted me, if you were worried, baby.”

“I know, I know...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just...didn’t wanna interrupt anything, I guess? I don’t know.”

Suzy started making a cup of coffee in their Keurig, and she slipped into Arin’s arms as they waited. “I call you all the time when you’re with Danny when I’m worried. Remember?”

“Yeah, I just...”

She tilted her head back, resting her chin on his chest so she could see him. “Just what?”

Arin chewed on his bottom lip. “If...something more than just a scene was happening...”

She blinked.

Finally, he sighed. “You look at him in a certain way when we’re at the office. You realize that, right? And that he looks at you like that too?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“It’s doesn’t feel casual anymore.” He blurted the words, and he stepped away, running his hands through his hair. “It’s like...there’s something else there that I’ve never seen from you before. Not even with me.”

The words startled her, but she hesitated, not going after him. She hadn’t even imagined that things between her and Brian might’ve looked like they shifted. “Does...that make you upset at all?”

“No.” Arin barked a laugh. “It should, though, right? It keeps weirding me out, how _okay_ with everything I am. Even _you_ got jealous of Danny, but mostly I’m just worried that something’s going to break, and that neither of you are gonna be ready for it.”

“Like how?”

“Like one of you is going to decide you wanna make this something serious, and the other one can’t. Like everything’s going to end up falling apart.”

This was something she couldn’t explore right now – she’d need time to tuck herself at her vanity, maybe, and spend time trying new makeup looks while she let her subconscious run wild. Instead, her focus was on Arin – on how he couldn’t even stand still. “You trust me to figure it out, baby?”

He hesitated.

“Listen, this is weird for both of us. _All_ of us. I know it is. But you don’t need to be constantly waiting for something to fall apart. Okay?”

He looked at her, and the deep concern in his brown eyes made her heart swell.

“We can just enjoy this. All of us. It’s okay to feel it out one day at a time. To live in the moment.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Do you think it’ll stay strong? Aren’t you even a little bit scared?”

She came forward finally, wrapping her arms around him. “How can I be scared when I know you’re always going to be there?”

Arin crushed her to his body, the embrace tight. “I love you, Suzy. I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too.” She rested her cheek on his chest and listened to his heartbeat slow once more. “It’s okay. I promise.”

Nothing was clear and concise. They didn’t have an instruction manual. But right here, when they could hold each other and breathe and remember the safety in each other’s arms, things could be...okay.

Even with how strange the path was before them, Suzy felt herself relax into it. They’d march on together – all four of them – until it came to a close.

Or maybe until it never did.


End file.
